Now, forgive me if this gets a bit crazy, but I had a little epiphany. It suddenly occurred to me that in feeling impatient I was basically telling myself that what was happening right now, be it with my blog or my life, was not great and that what would happen in the future would be better. This can't be great for our mental health right? If I am constantly judging the 'now' to be either boring or not good enough and this concept of the 'future' to be where the good stuff is, how can I ever be happy? I think it comes down to perspective and judgement really. If I am able to just accept what is without judgement, as in right now my blog is getting going and I am a student and I don't have a lot of money, then maybe it will take away some of that frustration. If I can believe that the now is neither good nor bad, it just is, and again, that the future is neither good nor bad, it just is, I might not feel so impatient. I have heard a lot of people say 'I'll just be happy when...' and I have always been so wary of that, because for me anyway, the future isn't here yet, and if we are constantly looking forward then where is the enjoyment of everyday life?
All of this is very much spot on with how I am feeling at the moment. I have been a student for longer than anyone should ever be, I am so tired of writing assignments, bored in my little town and itching for some excitement. I keep thinking things like 'oh I wish this year would go fast' or 'why isn't it Christmas yet?' and it is making me sad. I realised that wishing away nearly a year is not good. I have been giving myself a strict talking to, something along the lines of 'Samantha, are you crazy? That's a year of your life you are talking about, a year that you won't get back, so sit back, calm the frick down and enjoy it'. (I can get pretty bossy with myself can't I? That's a whole other issue!) So my plan is to be excited about moving overseas (because it would be basically impossible for me to not be), plan my move and be proactive about making it happen, but also to enjoy my time here, now. Because yes I get bored here, and yes, I feel if I have to write one more essay my brain may just collapse on itself, but for right now, this is where I am and I better find ways to enjoy it and feel gratitude and appreciation or I'm headed for trouble.
Sorry for the rant, but putting this into words is a great way to make sense of things!
xx Samantha Alice
Edit: So I wrote this yesterday. I usually let a post sit for a bit to make sure I am happy with it, and this time I am glad. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes when I have a problem, and I ask for the answer (in this case by ranting out it here) I usually get the answer in good time. I was stressing about time and all the work still left to do in my degree, then, after another twitter conversation with Made of 365 Days of Made (twitter is proving so helpful lately!) I realised that actually, I am so close to finishing. I became so calm and relaxed knowing that I have about 5 months left at uni and that I can probably count the assignments I have left this year on 2 hands. So there it is, ask for the answer and you will get it.