{Life} This is Scary

I'm not sure I'll be able to say everything I'd like to here; this is a hard post to write. I put a little piece of myself out there each time I post on this blog, but never like this. Here goes...

I am someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression for a long time. It is really scary for me to say it, but I get very sad and very scared more often that most people; it has effected the way I live my life in big ways. Anxiety can be completely disabling, and at times in my life it has taken over. Panic attacks are terrifying beyond belief and I know them well.

I guess anxiety has always been lying in wait in my life since I was a child. Throughout high school it meant I was painfully shy, with crippling social anxiety that interfered with my teen social life in a big way. I was never one of those confident girls that people were drawn to, and the thought of talking to a guy I liked was usually to much to handle for my scared little self. Sure I had fun, went to parties and got up to no good, but there was always an edge of fear that tainted everything.

Once I left school and moved away from home, anxiety found friends in depression and loneliness. These three together made my first year away from home a struggle, but it wasn't until many years later, after an unfortunate situation with a friend and flatmate, that I stopped being able to keep them at bay. They came crashing through my door and took away all the ways I had learned to cope in life. I had nothing and felt very alone.

If you have ever experienced a severe panic attack then you know that even though it may all be psychological, it can be easy to convince yourself that you are about to drop dead. My heart feels as though it is racing, I become dizzy and irrational, and adrenaline courses through my body in a hot buzzing mess. Imagine feeling this way for all your waking hours, and then being terrified of falling asleep because of a dreaded feeling that you might not wake up. There is little room for rational thought, and faced with living this way I figuratively sat down in the middle of the road and decided I couldn't move forward alone, I needed help. I guess a psychologist would call it a mental breakdown, I call it that time I lost all ability to cope with life.

I lost my job, and some friends, but after some help and some time, I now have anxiety free days quite often. I know the signs, and I know all the tricks my mind tries to play on me. I recognise when depression's ugly face shows itself and try to remind myself that it tells only lies. I still freak out about things regularly, and find some everyday activities to be challenging, but the days do get easier all the time. I went to the movies tonight, and on my way home I felt that familiar and unwelcome feeling of panic coming towards me and I was able to stop it in it's tracks. That feels like progress to me.

Mental illness can be such a no go topic, and I understand that it can be very personal for many people. For me, though, I have always been open to sharing my story with friends to maybe help them understand a little better what life is like with anxiety. Of course, there are those that cannot understand and choose to judge, but I try to ignore them the best I can.

I guess a lot of what I share on here is a little superficial, I mean makeup and clothing hardly changes the world does it? But on those days when I don't feel great, you know what a sure fire way of turning things around is? Prettying up myself with makeup and clothes that I feel great in and taking photos for my blog. It is the best cure for the blues around as far as I am concerned. So thanks for your continued support, it really does mean more than you know!

Sorry for the slightly downer post, but I felt like sharing something other than photos for a change.
xx Samantha Alice