Monday, February 27, 2012

{Life} This is Scary

I'm not sure I'll be able to say everything I'd like to here; this is a hard post to write. I put a little piece of myself out there each time I post on this blog, but never like this. Here goes...

I am someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression for a long time. It is really scary for me to say it, but I get very sad and very scared more often that most people; it has effected the way I live my life in big ways. Anxiety can be completely disabling, and at times in my life it has taken over. Panic attacks are terrifying beyond belief and I know them well.

I guess anxiety has always been lying in wait in my life since I was a child. Throughout high school it meant I was painfully shy, with crippling social anxiety that interfered with my teen social life in a big way. I was never one of those confident girls that people were drawn to, and the thought of talking to a guy I liked was usually to much to handle for my scared little self. Sure I had fun, went to parties and got up to no good, but there was always an edge of fear that tainted everything.

Once I left school and moved away from home, anxiety found friends in depression and loneliness. These three together made my first year away from home a struggle, but it wasn't until many years later, after an unfortunate situation with a friend and flatmate, that I stopped being able to keep them at bay. They came crashing through my door and took away all the ways I had learned to cope in life. I had nothing and felt very alone.

If you have ever experienced a severe panic attack then you know that even though it may all be psychological, it can be easy to convince yourself that you are about to drop dead. My heart feels as though it is racing, I become dizzy and irrational, and adrenaline courses through my body in a hot buzzing mess. Imagine feeling this way for all your waking hours, and then being terrified of falling asleep because of a dreaded feeling that you might not wake up. There is little room for rational thought, and faced with living this way I figuratively sat down in the middle of the road and decided I couldn't move forward alone, I needed help. I guess a psychologist would call it a mental breakdown, I call it that time I lost all ability to cope with life.

I lost my job, and some friends, but after some help and some time, I now have anxiety free days quite often. I know the signs, and I know all the tricks my mind tries to play on me. I recognise when depression's ugly face shows itself and try to remind myself that it tells only lies. I still freak out about things regularly, and find some everyday activities to be challenging, but the days do get easier all the time. I went to the movies tonight, and on my way home I felt that familiar and unwelcome feeling of panic coming towards me and I was able to stop it in it's tracks. That feels like progress to me.

Mental illness can be such a no go topic, and I understand that it can be very personal for many people. For me, though, I have always been open to sharing my story with friends to maybe help them understand a little better what life is like with anxiety. Of course, there are those that cannot understand and choose to judge, but I try to ignore them the best I can.

I guess a lot of what I share on here is a little superficial, I mean makeup and clothing hardly changes the world does it? But on those days when I don't feel great, you know what a sure fire way of turning things around is? Prettying up myself with makeup and clothes that I feel great in and taking photos for my blog. It is the best cure for the blues around as far as I am concerned. So thanks for your continued support, it really does mean more than you know!

Sorry for the slightly downer post, but I felt like sharing something other than photos for a change.
xx Samantha Alice

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4 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart! I totally understand. I also have really bad anxiety- it manifests itself with dermatillomania mostly- and I also had a time when I couldn't go on anymore.

    I know what you mean about clothes and make up making you feel better, it does the same for me.

    Just know that I am always happy to listen to you if you need to let things out.

    Becky
    xx

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  2. It feels great so much better to share something personal on your blog - I know the feeling :)
    And it isn't a downer at all doll..I've gone through a phase where I was depressed and didn't want to deal with life.
    I'm just thankful that things took a lovely turn and I'm here today, my life back to normal and I'm so happy.
    You are beautiful & all of us here love you - Stay beautiful Sam <3

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  3. *virtual HUGE hug* Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. I've never had really bad anxiety, but depression is something I'm all too familiar with.

    I've had that hopeless feeling and all I ever wanted to do was sleep forever. My depression is off and on and recently it's been on again. That feeling I get while being depressed is something I wished no one ever experience. I just want to let you know, that I support you and that you matter to someone.

    Even though I never met you, I've been reading your blog for a couple months now, but if we were to meet, I believe we would be great friends. You are smart, beautiful, talented (I wish I could make my blog just as pretty as yours), and very entertaining. I wish I could take your anxiety/depression away, but the best thing I can offer is someone who will be there to listen. So anytime you need someone to listen, just drop me an email. I'll be there! xoxo

    www.jenkakio.com

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  4. Well done you for sharing this. It is so hard sometimes when you feel like the only person in the world that is dealing with something. I moved away from home and felt terribly lonely and sometimes, especially when I look at amazing blogs, social networking sites, I feel like the only person in the world that isnt out there having fun. So I decided I just need to stop worrying about what people think of me and go out there and do more. I now throw myself in to situations, where I can meet new people and I am now a little obssessed with blgging.

    Your blog is really cool and you are obviously very talented. Stay strong lady xx

    http://nicolajo.blogspot.com

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